she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
