yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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