Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
