so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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