Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
