Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
