So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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