wakey wakey hands off snakey
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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