im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
