yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
