my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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