Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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