so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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