omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
