I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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