dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
