Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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