Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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