I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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