My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
