no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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