Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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