It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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