True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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