am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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