onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
