Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
