Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
