Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize
