new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
a search helicopter?!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
