My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
