I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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