you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
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