you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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