Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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