I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
