I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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