remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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