1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
