Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
