Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
