Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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