I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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