The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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