Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
