youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
