My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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