So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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