The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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