I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
40s are totally the cure
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
