NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
