there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
